Tonight it was Yanni's turn for what's on my mind and in my heart.  We started with "I miss Grandma Carter, why did she die, how old was she, did it hurt and  where is her body?" Now its odd because my mind has been on Mom a lot lately too. Can't put my finger on why, she is always in my thoughts but lately in a different way, a more front of mind way.  I have not verbalized it but Yanni has this very odd way of picking thoughts straight out of my mind.  It can be very unsettling. So we talked about mom quite a bit, quite frankly and I hope with some eventual peace.

But typical for an eight year old we moved quickly to his next topic, why do people smoke if they know its bad for them which of course I jumped on that opportunity and we launched straight into the peer pressure speech and the NEVER, EVER ( and I won't mince words) EVER take drugs, smoke or drink and drive ( and no I don't feel one bit like a hipocrite )

I thought we had moved on but I thought wrong and we got deeply into why we have to die.  I tried honestly to give him both the scientific version and with hope in my heart that he both grasps and believes, the theological version.

Then naturally after all of this we ended with "can I get a dog?"

I think he may have quite accurately measured the stamina I had left after all of this and thought now is my best shot at the dog question, I have completely worn her out. 

Funny though because he does this.  We talk about these topics with some mysterious frequency.  Its as though each time he passes a intellectual milestone, only known to Yanni,  he revisits those things which are abstract and hard for all of us to understand and runs it past this new awareness to see how it feels or fits now.  I may never know what happens to prompt the particular question at that moment but I hope I always respond in a way that will encourage him to always ask questions, to always seek to understand. 

                            

         And as Mom always said to me and now I always say to Yanni

            Goodnight, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.  

                 

I look into the mirror

And I wonder what face

I will find looking back  

Sometimes when I look

I see me, I assume just me

The way I look to everyone

Woman, middle age

Aging better then some

Never as well as I’d like

This morning I looked

Drying my hair and I saw

My mother’s eyes 

At first I just took notice

Of how much I look like Mom

But it brings back the familiar grief

Am I really without her

I do a quick comparison

How I’m similar, yet very different

Not without Mom unless I choose to be

I have her in my mirror

I have her in my heart

Another day I look, so old this morning

When did that happen

Why does age have to change you

What does my husband see

Does he see the years or

The young woman he first loved

I guess love really is blind

He never hesitates to kiss this face

Morning, night, good day, bad   

Another day, another look and I see

A young girl’s eyes 

I see my adolescence 

So scary, no confidence

Painfully shy, but trying to act

Like I have it all together

No I don’t care what others think

Right, just hoping to fit in

Didn't ever want to stand alone, not then

I blink and clear away the girl

See the woman and yes

Happy to be where I am now

Another day, another look

Looks like me, so I smile

Smile at myself, friend

But why are we always

So critical of ourselves

Immediately I start the inventory

Wish my teeth were whiter

Hate the crooked bottom tooth

Jaw line, wish it was tighter

So this is what 50 looks like

You can never quite picture it

When you’re twenty one

I finish the makeup

Comb my hair

Blink and look again

There she is again

All the mes are there

Young, old, my Mom, my kids

My face is a reflection

Of everything I have ever been

And all that I love

My mirror, my time to reflect 

Not afraid to look there today

I will see me.

So the diligence or annoyance with which I am posting to this blog will undoubtedly let up once I return to work so I thought why not one more post.  Just got a back from a nice long walk with Yanni and I have been tossed aside for WII,  he deserves it!

As I sit to write I ask myself why,  what am I hoping for from doing this.  It seems to be therapeutic, doesn't hurt anyone but "really seriously" as Yanni would say,  I'm afraid that deep down inside I hope that I write something so incredibly creative and insightful that I will stake my claim on immortality in some bumper sticker sort of way ( its my Forrest Gump moment). 

Then I thought "really seriously" do I think I'm that unique?  Which led to this entire train of thought on people and the way we spend most of our thinking lives in one of two states: either trying to declare our originality and uniqueness from the roof tops or desperately seeking others who are just like us.  No wonder we're never satisfied....

I believe I am scientifically unique, no one else is me down to the very cell, at least I don't believe I've been cloned, but then I never really understood all that my brother has done in his scientific career, but pretty sure,  I am the only Mary.  So I have physical uniqueness but I've come to realize, mostly through great stand up comedy, that I am probably just like everyone else.

  Do you ever notice that the really great comedians are just saying those random little thoughts that run through your head while your in the bathroom stall between courses at a restaurant or just people watching at the zoo.  You have the thought and immediately you wonder  several things in just a few seconds " am I crazy for thinking that, has anyone else thought this, wow where did that come from or I'm so clever" Then you flip on the TV or go to some comedy club and there stands, typically some, not devastatingly handsome or beautiful person, but just one of us normal people, who magically just plucks that oh so clever thought of yours right out of thin air and turns into a whole routine.  You look around, everyone is laughing and you realize its because they all thought it too.  The fun is in hearing out loud and sharing it with other same minded people.  A celebration of sameness!

If we could embrace the sameness maybe we could all get along ( sorry for the John Lennon, George Harrison moment but in keeping with the theme,  I am certain someone else was thinking it too)

And yes I can move comfortably between Clueless,  Funny Girl, Training Day and Grown Ups and enjoy all of them.  Tap my toes to Katy Perry and Katrina and the Waves and cry when Babs sings People.... Hollywood and pop music saw me coming a mile away! 

 But I am OK, so OK with being just like everyone else.  I mean I have had some incredibly happy moments in my life, I like knowing that others have felt that good too.
 
 So my immortality may need to still appropriately and quite beautifully reside with my children as they are and will always be my greatest works of art.

For whatever its worth, that is what is on my mind and in my heart today. MAT

Star filled nights

I step outside

Gazing ahead hoping to see nothing

No way to distinguish shapes

Letting the night surround me

I anticipate the seclusion 

The darkness will create

I want solitude

Needing to cast off the worries

Ever present in the light of day

Blocking out the anxiety

I await the tranquility

Let the blackness come

I glance upward 

Glimpsing a shimmer 

Uncertain what compels me

Looking up again 

I feel not isolation

The stars offer something

I expect abandonment

Thinking it would be a relief 

Drawn to the radiance

Feeling oddly comforted

I acknowledge a presence

It holds aloneness at bay

I gain awareness

Becoming conscious of my ease 

Something reaches me

Lifting my cares and concerns

I sense a presence 

Choosing abandonment no more   

I absorb willingly

Wondering how this can be 

Awe, delight and hope  

Illuminating my heart 

I feel no fear

Only something oddly familiar

I realize something

Comprehending that each star 

Contains the light of a soul

An earthly love

I thought I’d lost forever

Wrapping me in peace 

I accept my gift

Thanking the God 

Who gives me the night   

So I can witness this miracle

I thought I needed solitude but

Found peace in the din of the soul filled stars

Tomato sandwiches 

Being a person of a few decades or more it seems that a blog will always contain these nostalgic references to past memories.  First let me say that life, right now today, is great.  Not all my great memories come from the distant past.  Yesterday was full of wonderful things and today, as I spend it with Yanni, his last day of Spring Break, will be another wonderful memory in the making, just going shopping with him and trying to figure out what to do next. 

But somehow the past tugs at you and for the past few days, probably the unseasonably warm weather has me longing for the tomatoes of the past.

One of my favorite summer memories... tomato sandwiches.  Four simple ingredients: sliced white bread, mayo, pepper and tomato.  But not just any tomato, beefsteak tomato which was so big the three or four slices in the center were bigger than the slice of bread.  You spread mayo on both pieces of bread, pepper it and then lay that one huge, deep red slice of tomato on there.  When you take that first bite the sandwich is so moist the bread sticks to the roof of your mouth and you have to take your tongue and work it off.  But when that savory, richly flavored tomato hits those taste buds.... summer heaven.  I just can't find a tomato that tastes the same way these days. 

Its funny though,  I don't remember where tomato sandwiches came from,  was it my mom, my dad, did they make them for me,  did I make them myself?  Doesn't matter... they were so good. 

The search for the great tomato goes on every year.... maybe this year I can taste a little bit of my childhood, sliced white bread, mayo, pepper and a game changing tomato. 

For now, Yanni and I go to the store because tonight is fish tacos!

I'm not entirely sure what this will lead to. I didn't have any plans or particular thoughts in mind when I found myself here.  I was reading a FB post of a friend who just started a blog and what she wrote was so filled with comfort from both past memories mingled with her "now"life, the perfect blend of past and present.

It was like reading between the lines of a very brief greeting card,  somewhere in those categories you see on the store shelves: comfort, sympathy, friendship, love etc. The card has 3 lines

Take comfort in your family and friends 

Know that I am always there for you

Be strong and have faith

But your mind fills in the rest, a whole flood of thoughts come rushing at you when you see those very simple words. Based on who sent it, how they signed it, what caused them to send it, a story unfolds.  Thoughts you  may not have planned on having that day, simply move to the front of your mind.  An unexpected tear may slide down your cheek,  a minds eye picture of something you haven't recalled in years, a slow and private smile, warmth rising to your cheeks.

Its a lost custom, an art form slipping away.  A card, a few lines, a simple gesture that meant for just a few minutes someone thought of you, what you were going through; trouble,  celebration, accomplishment, sorrow or maybe change.  They went into a store, read through the cards until they found the right one, addressed it, put a stamp on it and sent it to you.

You, in your daily routine, opened your mailbox expecting to dump the contents straight into the trash (or excuse me the recycle bin) but suddenly you notice something you don't normally see, a surprise, a gift if you will, something personal, something someone gave some thought to for more then the time it takes to strike a few keys on a keyboard or Iphone and you open it and you have, for just a few minutes an opportunity to connect with the sender, the event and to allow yourself to wander for just a bit.  No rush to move away from those thoughts, no delete key, just time to think.

Its all there just in that one, very seldom received, but very thoughtful card.

3/22/2012  - Thank you Carolyn for being brave enough with all you have going on to share with all of us.